Athletes Shrugged

The Olympics, and all that it celebrates, cometh. Huzzah! I thought I’d use this opportunity to get satirical, and apply some of today’s subjectivism to the event. Here we go!


The idea of wealth redistribution must be extended. We should get the scientists working on wealth redistribution's physiological counterpart: health redistribution. What good is wealth if you don’t have the health to enjoy it?

It’s commonly accepted that the amount of health is fixed. The health possessed by athletic individuals is health that cannot be possessed by others. The total health available is static and it should be more fairly distributed; those who have large amounts of health owe a portion of their health to the less fortunate. This is true because most people believe it to be true.

Singular examples of athlete dishonesty (such as doping) only further prove that enforced, draconian regulation of all athletes is necessary to curb their inherent greed for health. No matter what the costs of these regulations are, they are justified. These regulations will, of course, eliminate all future dishonesty. The regulators will also, of course, be free from all temptation to dishonesty and corruption. One wonders why we have not created regulatory commissions to eliminate every human's imperfection before now. Athlete dishonesty is further displayed by their unfair access to superior training plans from the world’s top coaches. This is known as the practice of “insider training.” After a successful season of training, windfall displays of superior ability are not uncommonly observed in the lives of these athletes. These cases should not be interpreted as providing an inspirational vision of successful accomplishment for people. It is precisely at these times of windfall performance that we should be taxing these athletes for all the health we deem justifiable.

However selfish athletes may be, it is clear that the health created by our domestic athletes should be protected from the vicious competition which they might be exposed to, if they had to compete with foreign athletes. While we might not be able to tax health abroad to even the playing field worldwide, we should do what we can to protect our domestic athletes by instituting health taxes on foreign athletes competing in this country.

Addressing the specific instances of the vices of these athletes won’t do. Athleticism needs to be addressed fundamentally – the spirit of athletic competitiveness is an attitude which is inherently against society’s interests.

Athletes must be taught about the common duty that everyone owes to society. Athletes are egoistic and selfish – all their efforts are aimed at personal improvement. Do they ever consider that the lives of other members of society are threatened by a lack of health? It’s thinking like an athlete which would cause anyone to suggest that they have an inviolable right to their health. There are people who need health, and these athletes have more than they need! One person’s claim of a need for health is sufficient justification for defrauding another person of his health! When it’s almost universally accepted that this is true, how long shall we continue pretending these greedy athletes have a right to hoard all that health for themselves!??!

These Olympic games are a sickening display of the inequalities in health distribution. While these athletes cavort about, reveling in the notion that they have ‘earned’ their excessive level of health, the majority of the world’s population languishes in relative mediocrity. And we revere and celebrate these selfish people! Appreciating imperfections is what will make mankind great, not reverence for personal achievement.

Athlete’s extremely competitive natures are anti-social. What about people who try to compete, but come away beaten? Has anyone thought of them? A fair plan of health redistribution can progressively tax the health of athletes, to the degree of their ability… This will not only result in a fair distribution of health but will also ensure that no one’s victory results in someone else's feeling inferior! A fair society is one that taxes the able to construct false realities for the less able.

Some might say, ‘But don’t athletes earn their health through hard work and dedication?’ Lies! How silly is it to suggest that health was “earned” by the athletic! Without society, athletes wouldn't be capable of producing health, so it's really society that creates health. Some individuals just get lucky in receiving it. It is time that we teach the athletic that they have to give back.

Some might say, ‘They didn’t really earn their health at my expense… Just seeing their performance is an inspiration to me!’ Why talk of inspiration and personal motivation when people are suffering?

Some might say, ‘How long will we last, when virtues which result in achievement and promote life only earn contempt and robbery?’ We needn’t consider that… As long as athletes do not shrug!

The Olympics are nothing less than a festival which celebrates a goal-driven individual effort maintained across years of someone's life to achieve an unprecedented level of athletic performance. How should we respond when we see such behavior?

I'll be cheering. ;-)